High infidelity? Purdue HHS researcher examines ‘suspicion confirmation and avoidance strategies’ in romantic relationships

Rosie Shrout

Written by: Tim Brouk, tbrouk@purdue.edu

Your romantic partner is coming home late more often. They are on their phone constantly. They are acting a little cagey lately. Should you be suspicious of cheating?

For the past several years, Rosie Shrout, assistant professor in the Purdue University Department of Human Development and Family Science, has researched people’s suspicions that their romantic partner is being unfaithful. Her latest paper, “Are you Cheating on Me? Identifying Factors Contributing to the Use of Suspicion Confirmation and Avoidance Strategies,” was published by the Western Journal of Communication with Daniel Weigel at the University of Nevada, Reno this spring.

The co-authored research project polled 246 adults who suspected their current partner was cheating or had cheated on them in the past three months. Respondents reported engaging in five general suspicion confirmation strategies: conversation, intrusion, snooping, surveillance and avoidance.

“A lot of people said their partners hid their phones, deleted messages on their phones and were on their phones a lot,” Shrout stated. “People also said their partners became distant and disinterested in them or their relationship. Others said their partners were defensive, started lying and came home late frequently.”

The researchers wanted to know how individuals proceeded to confront their potentially philandering partner, if they did at all. Shrout found most participants planned to confront their partner with direct conversation rather than snoop or surveil. When asked if they would avoid knowing, most respondents indeed wanted the truth, as uncertainty posed negative feelings, according to the work. Yet, a significant number did not. Shrout shared more details of her recent study.

How can the suspicions be overcome, if at all?

The more their partners engaged in suspicious behavior, such as flirting with other people or talking about strong connections with their exes, the more suspicious people felt and became more uncertain about what they wanted to know about the potential betrayal. These feelings of suspicion and uncertainty not only increased people’s anxiety but also their desire to confirm their suspicions. In fact, most people in the study expressed wanting certainty about their partner’s possible cheating, for better or worse. And so most people wanted to confirm or seek out the truth rather than avoid their suspicions, likely to reduce their heightened anxiety and doubt.

With the snooping and surveillance methods, how far is too far, in your opinion?

Snooping through their partner’s devices and belongings, as well as surveillance, or secretly keeping tabs on their partners and their activities, were the least common responses to infidelity suspicion in this study. Most people in this study used direct action, such as having a conversation with their partner, rather than more indirect strategies like snooping or surveillance. Though we did not measure it directly in this study, stalking and exerting power and control over a partner are serious forms of intimate partner violence and have dire consequences. More than 18.3 million women in the U.S. have experienced stalking, mostly by men who were current or former partners.

Why would someone want to avoid knowing if their partner is cheating?

The most common response to people’s suspicion was talking with their partners and openly sharing concerns and feelings. But the second most common response was avoidance, which included avoiding searching for clues, avoiding their partner, pretending nothing was wrong or emotionally withdrawing from their partner. People who avoided finding out information about their partner’s potential infidelity typically felt anxious yet did not have a strong desire to confirm their suspicions. Anxiety and avoidance go hand-in-hand. The more anxious people felt about their suspicion, the more likely they were to avoid knowing the truth. It is possible they avoided searching for clues or spending time with their partner because they were too worried about what they might find out, and avoidance seemed like a better option than having their suspicions confirmed. Although avoidance is a common response to anxiety, it can often make things worse and take a toll on people’s health.

Is fidelity dead today?

Not at all. Most people in our study — nearly 85% — rated fidelity as very important to them. This is consistent with other research that showed the majority of U.S. adults view infidelity negatively and do not approve of it. The infidelity literature also shows people differ in what behaviors they believe constitute infidelity, and likewise, researchers differ in how they ask about and assess infidelity. It is important for people to think about what they consider infidelity and talk about their fidelity expectations with their partners.