How rigid expectations steal the holidays

Expert talks about how and why the pursuit of the perfect holiday is unattainable

Wrapping presents is the epitome of Christmas for some. But the pressure of expecting the holiday season to be perfect can result in negative emotions for some. (Photo/Jonathan Borba, Unsplash)

WEST LAFAYETTE, Ind. — There is pressure during the holiday season to be in a constant state of jolly and joy, bringing about unrealistic expectations.

Why are certain holidays expected to be perfect, especially Christmas? questions Heather Servaty-Seib, a professor of counseling psychology in Purdue’s College of Education.

“The idea that holidays are solely joyful and perfect is against human nature and against the way we live our lives,” Servaty-Seib said. “There are always things that are less than perfect. That pressure can be difficult and even paralyzing.”

Servaty-Seib researches various forms of loss, including experiences with death and non-death loss experiences, such as divorce or job loss. In her research of loss not related to death, she and her team explain that all life events likely involve both gains and losses.

For example, when a child is born, the joyous event is thought of only in terms of what the new family has gained. But there is loss, or challenging aspects, including the fact that the new parents have less free time, their priorities change and finances may be affected. These losses do not take away the joy — but pretending they don’t exist is not healthy, she says.  

 Servaty-Seib argues that while the holidays are often seen as all gain, they, like other life events, involve loss as well.

 “When there is any kind of expectation to be a certain way, it’s just not realistic,” she said. “Christmas isn’t perfect … the pressure that it puts on people to then wonder about their own life. It prompts negative reflection and negative self-judgment. We’re not all joyous all the time by any stretch.”

Servaty-Seib’s research team also has done similar research related to romantic breakups, the process of alcoholism recovery, grandparents raising grandchildren, parental divorce and illness or injury. She also is the associate dean of student life in the Honors College.  

Writer: Madison Sanneman, msannema@purdue.edu 

Media contact: Brian Huchel, 765-494-2084, bhuchel@purdue.edu 

Source: Heather Servaty-Seib, 765-494-0837, servaty@purdue.edu